Dear Karyn,
I came to college with the same set of friends I had during all four years of high school. I know it’s cliché, but I felt as though we’d been through everything together and that nothing could tear us apart. I didn’t worry at all when we each decided to attend different colleges.
I’m still pretty close with all of them; however, the one that I considered my true best friend has been extremely distant lately. She’s adopted a completely new identity at her new school. She rarely ever talks to me and our old group of friends anymore—she even removed herself from our group chat—and when she does, it’s only when someone reaches out specifically to her. She’s developed new interests that none of us share and seems to have ditched us for a new group of friends. The icing on the cake was when we all made plans to hang out one weekend and she bailed the night before!
I’ve been told that losing friends is a natural part of life, but I didn’t think it had to be a part of mine. How do I cope with this? Does it seem like there’s a chance to save our friendship?
Sincerely,
Forgotten Friend
Dear Forgotten Friend,
There’s no denying the inevitability of friends drifting apart. When you make the transition from high school to college, you’re undergoing more change (both positive and negative) than ever before. That change is crucial to your development as a person and the fact your friend is blossoming at her new school and finding her place in the world shouldn’t detract from your friendship; however, I find the extent of her distant behavior concerning.
Finding your place in the world doesn’t mean you have to abandon everything and everyone that made you who you are. During my time at Longwood, I’ve grown and discovered new people and new interests, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still love going home to the friends and family that know me best.
Changing to accommodate the future you want and enjoying positive aspects of the past aren’t mutually exclusive by any means and your friend shouldn’t treat them as such. Bailing on plans the night before is unacceptable and removing oneself from a long-standing group chat seems pathetically passive-aggressive.
While acknowledging that much of this behavior isn’t normal among friends, I simultaneously urge you to try not to view your friend’s every move as an act of aggression. Cancelling plans the night before is never okay; however, she probably didn’t post that Instagram picture of her posing beside some girl from the Recycling Club and drinking out of a novelty flask just to piss you off.
It’s not cool that she never reaches out to you guys but consider that she might just be overwhelmed with schoolwork and adjusting to a new type of social life. Sometimes, people get caught up in all the excitement of college and forget that things exist outside of it. Give her a chance to come back down to Earth before you get too upset with her.
I think the best course of action would be to engage in honest conversation with her. In your letter to me, you referred to her as your true best friend which leads me to believe that you guys have been through some stuff together. This probably isn’t the first issue you’ve had and it surely won’t be the last. In relationships of any kind, learning to communicate gets you significantly farther than just learning not to fight.
Rather than letting your resentment continue to build, shoot her a message and tell her how you really feel. Don’t use an accusatory, “hey-bitch-you-dropped-me-and-I’m-MAD” kind of tone, but calmly explain why some of the things she does make you feel left behind and forgotten. If she’s really a friend, she’ll assure you that you two are still friends and that she hates the strain of college-induced distance just as much as you do.
Have you ever seen the movie "Mean Girls"? Entertain the notion that you and your friend may be going through a similar predicament as Cady and Janis.
Your friend is like Cady: she’s gone off to her new school, made a bunch of new friends and experienced changes for better and for worse (though hopefully those changes don’t involve spreading rumors that her math teacher is a drug pusher or facing accusations of attempted murder-by-bus). On the other hand, you’re like Janis: still chilling with Damian, trying to adjust to a sudden strain on you and Cady’s friendship. It’s easy to assume the worst about Cady if you’re only halfway through the movie.
But remember, Forgotten Friend, how the movie ended: Cady won the state championship finals with the Mathletes and came back down to Earth. Janis rocked a dope purple tuxedo to prom and forgave her for being such a jackass. In the end, they were able to remedy the damage that had been done and everything turned out okay. Consider that this might be how your story plays out. Give Cady a chance to be a Mathlete.
If you try everything I’ve mentioned and your friend continues to treat you poorly, then I recommend you just move on. Even without her, you seem to still have a core group of friends from home who you can rely on. You’re also at Longwood University, which is basically the friend-making capital of the world. Trade Cady in for a Damian, or that girl who made out with a hot dog one time. In the words of Kevin Gnapoor (the true star of "Mean Girls"), “don’t let the haters stop you from doing your thang.”
Love,
Karyn
Remember, send me your questions at karyn.keane@live.longwood.edu
