Hello readers! All five-ish of you. This week we are back at it with more questions, mostly because Cassie and I have become too lazy to come up with our own topics anymore. But that aside, let’s get started!
Q1: “Why does Farmville have so many sirens for such a small town?”
This, this is a good question, and it's something that has perplexed me for some time.
Backstory: I live in Richmond and spend a large amount of time downtown. I don’t hear nearly as many sirens there, in the middle of a city, as I do here in the middle of nowhere. Why is that? Well, here is my hypothesis.
For those of you who are up on your history, think back to the Manhattan Project. For those of you who are up on your Call of Duty, think about Nuketown, and for those of you wondering what I’m on about, grab your tinfoil hats and allow me to explain.
During WWII and the Manhattan project, the government set up these fake experimental towns to test the effects of the bomb. These towns were empty, of course, because the government can’t just go around nuking it’s own people. But what if they were testing something that required people, perhaps some sort of biological agent?
All the sirens are actually government forces working to remove those who have fallen victim to the experiment for further study. Sound crazy? Yeah I know, but a wild conspiracy is a much better way to get to my word count than just saying that college kids tend to over-drink and need to go to the hospital. So, here we are.
Q2:"I have a girlfriend who lives about three hours away, but I am a local music hero, sexy guitar player with women all over me. How do I stay faithful to my lady?"
I… I’m really not sure where to begin here. Normally, I would just say “By not being a tremendous douche,” but then this column wouldn't be very long and I would get yelled at.
So, instead, let’s break this down. First you say that you have a girlfriend, which is interesting because the very fact that you are asking this question, my dear man, proves that you do not deserve her, as you do indeed appear to be, a tremendous douche.
Moving on to the next point, you are a local music hero. In case you have forgotten, you are in Farmville, which is not exactly a breakthrough scene in new and upcoming music. Just because you perform at, what, the Uptown Cafe open mic night, does not make you a “music hero,” whatever the hell that is.
Next you say you are a sexy guitar player. I would again like to refer you to my original answer to your question. Specifically the tremendous douche part. Also you have women all over you? Again sir, you are in Farmville. Know your place.
Finally to wrap this up, how do you stay faithful?
Gee, I don’t know. This one’s tough and to be honest I am completely perplexed. It would almost require you to care about your girlfriend's feelings and to respect women as more than just conquests to be obtained. But gee, is that possible? I don’t know!
I hope you got my sarcasm. Stop being a douche.
Mic = dropped.
