Hello all five of you readers out there, and welcome back to the Rotonion! It’s been a while hasn’t it? I’m going to go ahead and save you the “new year, new us, a lot has changed (insert political joke)” bs, mostly because I am too lazy to write a coherent intro, but also because I am excited for the Rotonion’s new feature!
You see, normally Cassie and I struggle endlessly to find a topic every week. Mainly because she won’t let me do pirates versus ninjas or burritos versus tacos, but it’s also because coming up with stuff to write about is HARD. So, this week, we are letting you (if you exist) decide. We at the Rotonion are now taking questions, which we will prepare, cook and serve to you as a delicious platter of answers and advice. You’re welcome.
Q1: "I'm all alone in the middle of the ocean being approached by a hunchback whale. All I have left are the contents of my purse. How can I convince the whale not to eat me?"
This. This is a perfect question. It’s applicable to everyday life, as relatable as the Jennifer Lawrence pizza meme and a perfect platform for my beautiful answer house.
So, first off, you’re in luck - because unlike humpback whales, which are the size of a school bus off it’s diet, hunchback whales are actually quite small. Not much bigger than a platypus as it happens. SO, there is no need to convince the whale not to eat you. Even if it were a humpback, still not an issue. They only eat krill. At least that’s what "Finding Nemo" taught me. I would focus on getting out of the middle of the ocean, as that seems to be the biggest problem.
Also, is this happening now? How did you write to us? Do you need help? Should I call Tom Hanks? He has experience with this kind of thing.
Q2: "I have these two friends, and they are best friends. I ship them and want to see them get together and become the hot lovers I know they are truly meant to be. How do I get them to finally admit their true feelings for each other?"
Well, as I am completely and totally unqualified to give relationship advice, seeing as I completely suck at them, here is my advice.
Kidnap them, lock them in a room for days, weeks, months, etc. and just see what happens. Something will develop I’m sure. I hope that helps.
How do you feel about this new format? Do you have questions that are in need of answers? Can we help you to unravel the mysteries of the universe?
Tweet us @TheRotonion, and let us know. Or tell us we suck, whatever floats your goat.
