The holidays are fast approaching, this means good food, pretty lights and, of course, time with family. It may sound pleasant and cheery, but be warned, the holiday season is an annual and dangerous fight to survive in the hostile jungle of barely seen relatives and awkward conversations. In preparation for the upcoming Thanksgiving Break, I, your humble, little read, Rotunda columnist will give you advice to weather the familial storm.
Never leave home without an excuse
The first vital peace of advice I have for you, is to never ever leave home without an excuse to go back. So when you go to that thanksgiving dinner with your family, and you run into your overly-excited uncle, who is kind of like the Labrador puppy of relatives, you need a way to escape that situation before it turns into a thirty-minute conversation about his back yard renovation. Tell him you need to take an important phone call on your way to save a bus full of children and walk away.
Never stop eating
People can’t talk to you if your mouth is always full of food, and besides, it is Thanksgiving after all. This is the part of the year where you have free license to eat as much as you want and not feel bad, so I say take advantage. Your crazy aunt can’t engage you in conversation about her new all natural diet plan if your mouth is stuffed with stuffing (see what I did there?) For bonus survival points, sit down on the couch for a nice food nap in the downtime between dinner and dessert. This is a great way to avoid interaction.
Be a doctor
When you do end up talking to people, relatives always want to know what you’re doing in the magical land of college. This is the go-to ice breaker for old people talking to anyone between the ages of 18 and 22. So, when your grandfather asks you what you are doing with your life, instead of trying to justify your choice to major in underwater basket weaving, just tell him you are studying to be a doctor. Then shove your mouth full of food and excuse yourself to tie your shoe in the other room.
Play dead
Finally, we have the most extreme of survival options, only to be used in the direst of circumstances. Play dead. That’s it. Should the conversation get too awkward, or if, god forbid, your most politically incorrect relative goes on a rant about things I’d rather not say, then its time. Just roll up in the corner and play dead until the situation improves. If you’re lucky, no one will notice and the atmosphere will change quickly, or you could be there for the long-haul. Hopefully you’ve packed away enough turkey and gravy to last.
Of course, maybe none of this is necessary, and the holidays are really a merry time of year to enjoy the company of people you don’t get to see often, and create new memories with those who you see all the time. But that’s just not as amusing now is it?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
