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The Rotunda Online
The Rotunda
Friday, July 25, 2025

Super Lame

Dear SuperDork,

I'm sitting here in my bat chair, in my Bat-study, with a warm Bat-fire crackling, writing you this Bat-letter on my Bat-book Pro, because I'm Batman.

I'm sure that you're aware that our new movie has been getting less that awesome reviews on the Bat-ernet. Now it goes without saying that this can only be your fault, because I'm awesome, because I'm Batman.

You’re the white bread of superheroes, you can literally do anything and nothing presents an obstacle. There is no challenge, no excitement. Not to mention that your biggest weakness is a stupid rock. You don’t even have cool gadgets! What’s even the point?

When I fight crime, I actually fight. I have to work to protect the citizens of Gotham, it’s exciting because it’s a challenge, because I am a man doing extraordinary things. You are an alien, who destroys entire cities. Seriously have you seen your own movie? Do you know how many people you probably killed at the end of “Man of Steel?” You are the reason Donald Trump hates immigrants.

Speaking of our movies, I have an issue with your “Man of Steel” flick. You are not me, you don’t have a cool costume (more on that later,) you don’t have a cool gadgets, or a cool car, and most of all, you are not a broody hero with a dark past. Stop acting like it! Being dark and brooding all the time is my thing, and it’s why my “Dark Knight” movies did so well, but you are a Boy Scout from space, it doesn't work. Find your own style man.

Now speaking of style, let’s talk costumes. Everything I wear, while also being extremely cool, serves a function. My cape helps me glide, my suit is armor, and the “pointy ears” you refer to, allow me to communicate with Alfred, errrr I mean my Bat-cave. You, on the other hand, wear your underwear overtop of your pants. Now, I know you aren't from around here, but that’s not how it works. Also let’s be real, the S on your chest does not stand for “Hope” or even “Superman,” It stands for “Sucks.” Also, your disguise? Glasses, really? You don’t stop recognizing someone because they put on glasses, Clark.

Now, to confront you on your final point: You are not the everyman, you aren't even a man! Repeat after me, you are an alien. I am a real man doing things that need to be done, for the good of my city. You just fly around in a spangly cape pretending to be a beacon of hope.

I’m the best, because I’m Batman.