I’m tired of all of the excitement by your fan base towards all of your so-called “heroism.” This has led to so much fuss that even Hollywood has created a movie where we are pitted against each other (which is totally outrageous, seeing as how I would beat you into a pulp within seconds). Usually, I wouldn’t let something like this bother me, but I feel as though I’m not receiving the recognition I deserve. Also, you suck.
First of all, you think you’re all cool with your all black spandex and fancy gadgets. Well, you’re not. Inspector Gadget’s gadget copter, which, let’s be real, is just a glorified propeller hat, is more useful than your “batline.” Though I have to give you credit for that belt of yours; you can simultaneously have all of your bat tools taken away and be pantsed. Also, the pointy ears on your head do not make you look like a bat. They just don’t. They look more like really sharp, tiny teepees that you superglued to the top of your costume. Honestly, if it weren’t for the bat symbol on your chest, you’d look more like a super buff kitty cat. Meow.
Another thing, you don’t have any real super powers, which is cool. I think it’s great that a regular human has decided to help make the world into a better place, but you’re no match for my powers. I know I have my weaknesses, but you’re a HUMAN. I could snap your neck with just my pinky toe if I wanted. Not to mention that your worst enemy is a clown. You can save the city from criminals, but God forbid a child’s birthday party gets out of hand, Gotham City might be out of luck. And don’t even get me started on that guy who impersonates a sack of straw.
Here’s the question we’ve all been dying to ask: why does Batman partner up with that pimple faced adolescent? You’d think you would have dumped him when he started that “Holy every-word-imaginable” thing.
Let’s be real, the actual reason everyone loves you is that they think you’re everyman. You’re the hero that people dream they could be (if they had billions to throw away on winged mammal themed toys). You built yourself up physically, put on a mask and now, defend the city that you love. Isn’t that sweet? I, on the other hand, was born different. I’m the guy who has to hide behind the mask just to get through every day. I’m the guy that people write off as kind or average, but really, I’m extraordinary. You may shine in a crowd, but I blend in. I’m just like everyone else. I’m the everyman.
