Alright my loyal readers (yes all three of you), ready yourself for the most amazing and awe-inspiring reading experience you will have in the next five minutes. Today, I shall go stupidly where many writers have gone before, into the deep dark rabbit hole of political opinion. Specifically, a one Donald J. Trump, the top candidate for CEO of America and lord of the pumpkin people. I have done extensive research (a YouTube video) on the Trumpster (rhymes with dumpster) and I am ready to learn you a thing or two about our top Republican apprentice … em, candidate.
If you haven’t been living under a rock, or reading the first paragraph, then you know that the Cheeto-dusted businessman is currently, and rather worryingly I hasten to add, leading the polls and is now in the top spot to receive the nomination from the Republican Party. Not to mention the fact that, as his odds of winning continue to grow, other Republicans are dropping from the race faster than contestants on a reality TV series. (Come to think of it, the presidential race is basically just that.)
Just how has hurricane Donald been able to take the country and news media by storm, with his radical and often inconsistent ideas? It may be, perhaps, because 32 million people in this country are illiterate, or because he is indeed so radically different from any other candidate. His supporters cite his self funded campaign, business expertise and his willingness to say whatever the Hell pops into his wispy, gold head. All of these seem like admirable qualities, until you decide to look a little closer, that is.
Many people are attracted to the oft publicized idea that the walking bottle of spray cheese has self funded his campaign. According to the BBC, although $17,000,000 of the Trumpinator’s campaign is self financed, 69% of that is really just a loan, which will have to be paid back to the real life annoying orange at some point. In reality, Mr. Art of the Deal has only contributed about $250,000 to his campaign. That’s practically Trump change for a man (creature) who is supposedly worth billons.
Wondering how valuable the human bullhorn is, exactly? That’s a good question, my intrepid reader. Trumpelstiltskin himself values his net worth somewhere north of ten billion dollars, according to a report by John Oliver. However, there are many protests to this claim, with even Google saying that he is only worth 4 billion. Trumpletoes loves to sue people who attack his net worth, even saying in a court document that his value can fluctuate, depending on, “feelings, even my own feelings … and that can change rapidly from day to day.”
According to the human Dorito, the most valuable part of his brand is his name, which he has affixed to multiple buildings and business ventures around the world, earning him a reputation as a savvy and enterprising business man. However, it is important to note that many of these ventures have folded. Have you ever heard of Trump Steaks? (They were sold exclusively at The Sharper Image because reasons.) He also does not own many of the buildings that bear his name, he just licenses them to builders because that way, “you don’t put up anything.”
Forrest Trump’s other big selling point in his run for the White House is his willingness to say whatever he is thinking. This is one point about the sausage-fingered orangutan that I can’t protest, he certainly does say anything regardless of whether or not its true. According to Politifact, around 76% of the living wig’s statements are false. That’s a lot, even for a politician. Not only that but many of his statements are ignorant and offensive: The idea of banning all Muslims from entering the United States and completely walling off the Mexican border, just to name a few.
No matter what you think of Trump, one thing is for sure. Should he be elected, we will all have toupee the price. (buh-dum-tis)