I was lying in my bed Sunday morning. I could hear my mom walking around in the kitchen. I heard my dad ask her when my brother would be back in town, and I heard my dog Luke barking at the window to people passing on the street. It was a peaceful moment, with enough quiet to have a relaxing morning and just enough of that familiar sound that reminded me that I was at home. Just as quickly, I realized the moment itself and this time in my life was slipping through my fingers faster than I could say, "I'm not ready".
It is a weird realization. I am really excited to go out and get a career. I hope to be able to spend all day doing something I absolutely love to do. I desperately want to get a job anywhere but Northern Virginia, not because I don't love my home but because I want to experience something new and make it on my own. I've had this desire for a sense of independence for a very long time, so when I get hit with a wave of "maybe I don't want this," it can be confusing to figure out.
When I sign into Facebook, all I seem to see are these statuses about graduating. Statuses about how people are excited but nervous, or sad and overwhelmed. A part of me envies that these kids are on the brink of their new life. Some are going to graduate school, some have jobs and internships lined up, and some are flying by the seat of their pants. While the "flying by the seat of your pants" route isn't as appealing as the other two, when I've reached the point of exhaustion in schoolwork and extracurricular activities and a crammed atmosphere, even that change of pace seems appealing.
In the same moment, I get this pit in my stomach. I want to eat dinner with my parents, have movie nights with my mom, and change the oil in my car with my dad. I want the comfort of that house in Sterling, and everything that goes along with it. The funny thing is, put me back in that house for a month and I will be screaming to get out. Right now, however, I want it more than anything. I think that's part of the bumpy road of reaching adulthood.
Somewhere along the way I grew up. Somewhere between the tests and the papers, long nights with The Rotunda and cases for Judicial Board, working my job at the YMCA and volunteering with Dash, I went from being an immature 18-year-old who knew nothing other than what was in Loudoun County to nearly 21 years old and approaching my final year of my undergraduate education. Considering I can remember my internship last summer like I worked it yesterday, I can imagine graduation will feel like it's here next week. Then what happens?
Hopefully I will get a job. What I want even more is to find a place to live, and my cabinets will be magically filled with food. My bills will be paid, there will be gas for my car, and all ends will be met. I will get married, have children if that's what life plans for me, and be successful in my career. I will go as high up as I want to go, retire still full of life, and enjoy those last couple decades.
I made a joke to my dad while I was home about getting married, or rather not getting married. I envisioned myself getting engaged my senior year of college, and married the year following. The more I grew up, the less I desired that. I'm in love, but not ready for that. The thing is my dad will take care of me until I'm ready to take care of myself. I can live at home and eat the dinner my parents make me and have them there for emergencies. The situation is completely available for Nicole, but I'm pretty sure Nicole plus one doesn't work.
Once I get married, I will move out and start a life with him. We will become responsible for ourselves-just like grownups. I want that, but I don't see it as feasible. I want security more than everything. Corey is safe, but my mom and dad can give me more than anyone else could. I am where I am and who I am because of them, and I'm not quite ready to let go. Maybe in a year I will be ready to go out into the real world on my own, but for now I'm going to enjoy the luxury of my parent's protection while I can.
