Don't burn bridges. That's one of the lessons my mom repeated over and over when I was a child. What does it mean? It means don't ruin relationships. My mom use to say it when I would get really mad at my brother about something. He and I would fight, and my mom would always warn me to not burn that bridge. What she meant was I shouldn't say something to my brother out of anger, end communication, throw away that relationship, and shut him out over just a fight.She would say it all the time when I was a kid, but it didn't mean much because my brother was my family, and I figured he would have to forgive me no matter what. Same with my parents. It wasn't until I got older that I started having issues with people outside my family and I realized they had no obligation to forgive me.
I have burned some bridges and knew I was doing it, and I have accidently burned some bridges. I have been lucky enough to get some second chances, and there are some people I have lost forever.
Now there are some circumstances where it is completely appropriate to cut off communication and walk away. I am certainly not suggesting that every relationship, friendship or acquaintance try and be salvaged.
If extreme circumstances do not come into play, consider rebuilding bridges or giving forgiveness. If you seek forgiveness, ask for it. If you are denying forgiveness, consider weighing the benefits of letting go. If you burned a bridge, try and rebuild it. And if someone burned a bridge with your, consider opening up the opportunity to fix it.
Over winter break, I took the time to write some letters to people that I want to apologize to and clear the air. Most of them were well worth it, helping repair the relationship and putting that conflict at rest. There was one not well-received, but I know I tried and now I can move on without feeling like there was still something there.
That's not the easiest thing to do in the world, I know. In fact, there is one person that I desperately want to write a letter to and seek forgiveness, but I have yet to work up the courage and I might not ever reach the point in which I can. Baby steps, that's what I say. Don't tackle the huge fights, the years of anger, the scariest of all first. Start with your best friend, boyfriend, or someone who you feel really comfortable with. Lay that anger to rest, and move on to the next person.
I'm also not saying you need to write a letter. If repairing a relationship or mending a bridge is something you want, try anything. A Facebook wall post, a text, a hello on Brock Commons, or a smile across the room can help melt that anger.
I'm not writing this for a happy-go-lucky world and for everyone to love each other. I'm writing it because I see so many people holding grudges and it is incredibly unhealthy. If you are holding on to anger from an incident with someone else, I encourage you to just simply let it go. I'm not saying you need to forgive right away, or forget, but don't hold it so close to you.
It's easy to hold a grudge. Any sort of conflict can easily lead to a grudge. A grudge usually starts because someone is hurt, and that person is angry or upset about what happened. Typically the person will dwell on what happened, allowing it to consume them and fill them with hostility. Soon, that's all the person will concentrate on, and the bitterness will seep into all parts of life.
Most people experience grudges, but when it gets to this point it can lead to depression, according to an article on MayoClinic. If you let it overtake you, it can really have serious impacts on your life. This is especially common in romantic relationships. It's easy to take that little fight you had on Friday night, blow it up, and end up so concentrated on the bad that you can't even enjoy the good parts anymore. All of the sudden you have this grudge that you can't let go of, and if you let it, it will spin the whole situation out of control.
Little things start to annoy you that didn't before. You start to pick fights. You scream more, you cry more, and you fall away from even liking the person. You say things you don't mean, you shove them out and next thing you know the person you were so happy with is like a stranger sitting on the other side of D-Hall. That bridge was burned.
This doesn't just happen in romantic relationships, by the way. I see friends experience this, co-workers, people in the same organizations and family members. I've even seen students get upset with a professor over one thing, and next thing you know they hate that professor and start failing the class.
People get so angry over small things. There is so much hate, and the sad thing is there is often nothing anyone can do about it. Holding that grudge, hating that person, and being filled with resentment will only hurt you in the end. So if you have a tight grip on a conflict from last week, last month, or years ago, ask yourself why. Is it really helping to be so angry? Is it really helping to deny forgiveness?
Usually, it just makes you feel worse. You are angry, stressed, and filled with sadness for nothing. The initial pain of whatever happen hurts, but you are usually the one dragging it back up and allowing it to hurt you long after what happened. So try to just not let it dominate you. And that can come from different things, but remember that each person deals with it in a different way.
For me, I like to write letters to the person. Some people like face-to-face interaction, or use Facebook as a venue to reconnect. If you don't want to deal with the person, try and let go on a personal level. Whether that is talking with someone, blogging, redirecting your thoughts or looking at the bigger picture, just let go.
Don't let someone else's actions deny you of your happiness. Take control, and live your life the way you want to. Repair relationships, let go of relationships, say you're sorry, accept an apology, love like crazy, be the best friend, child, sibling, and person you can be; and move forward without all that extra weight. Un-burn those bridges.
