Q1: “I hate the fact that humans need to sleep. It’s such a waste of time to be doing nothing for 8 hours. How can I make my sleeping hours more productive?”

Thanks for your inquiry! I’d like to congratulate you on needing advice from The Rotonion within the first two weeks of school. Being the first of the desperate and advice-grubbing is always an accomplishment.

Your question brings up an interesting misconception. Many people believe that sleep is necessary, but the need for rest is just a social construct. It’s the sort of thing that one might only believe if they pay attention to the lies pouring from the foaming mouth of the evil media.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “Well what do I do instead?” Naturally, if you don’t want to waste time sleeping, then just don’t sleep. Suddenly, you may find yourself with up to 10 hours of more free time per day.

There are plenty of things you can do instead of sleep. You could use that time to focus on your school work, start a new diet, find time to exercise or discover new and creative ways to avoid dealing with your problems so you explode right before exam week. The world is your oyster.

One of the biggest arguments against this is the commonly held belief that you will die if you don’t sleep. That could be true, but you could also die from crossing the street or mowing the lawn or counter-protesting an alt-right rally. Don’t let this fear stop you and get in the way of you living your life. Most importantly, don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your time. Viva la vida.

Q2: “Do you think scorpions think of lobsters how we think of mermaids?”

In short, no. Realistically, scorpions have never thought of lobsters at all, as their habitats don’t generally touch.

Theoretically, scorpions probably wouldn’t find the idea of a lobster as appealing as humans find the idea of mermaids. They would probably look at a lobster and think to themselves, “Look how red they are. They aren’t like us. They must be stupid because they are red. Let’s point and laugh at their dumb reddy redness.”

Then, if the scorpions and lobsters were forced to live in the same habitat, say at a zoo or something, there would most likely be more scorpions than lobsters because lobsters are bigger and would take up more space.

As there would be more scorpions than lobsters, it would be a lot easier for them to gang up on the lobsters. They could make rules for the lobsters, like every time they want to move around to a different section of the tank, they have to do the Macarena. They have to do this because they are red and red crustaceans are scary, and making them do the Macarena makes them looks less intimidating.

Then the scorpions could come up with a symbol, like a t-shirt, that reminds them of the days before the lobsters joined them in their tank, before they had to share food with the lobsters, a shirt which they could use to make the lobsters feel terrible about the color of their shell. They could march around the tank wearing these t-shirts and remind the lobsters of how inferior they are and how they aren’t wanted in the tank.

Obviously this would all happen because it’s in creatures’ nature to dislike things that are different from them.

(1) comment

Carter Greene

These questions are quite fun. I sleep better when I purchase powerpoint presentation instead of making one for college classes myself! People work while I'm sleeping. Isn't it great?

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