Hello everyone, welcome back to the Rotonion. That’s pronounced Row-to-yun. Like Rotunda plus Onion. Because we wrote satire...or try to. Like The Onion. Get it? It’s funny. 

We are starting off the new semester by taking questions from you! Because we like to be involved in the community and also are too lazy to think of our own topics!

Here is the question from for this week. 

“I hate the fact that humans need to sleep. It can be such a waste of time doing nothing for eight hours. How can I make my sleeping hours so productive?”

I’m glad you came to us for your mediocre advice needs. 

I get it. You, whoever you are, are a busy and productive productive individual. You cannot afford to be out of commission for eight hours like a peasant. You need that time, because time is money and your driver is waiting to take you to your jet. 

So what do you do? Well legally I cannot tell you to do cocaine. Even though that would help. It’s a bad idea, and a white nose is not befitting of a powerful person like yourself. 

So what is the solution then? Red Bull? No, you’ll get jittery. Coffee? Who are you anyway? A dirty millennial. Leave the bean juice to the poors. 

You need something better. 

You will get one of your many assistants to pick you up one of those giant lightning towery things. You know the ones, like at the science museum, but bigger. 

Every 12 hours you will stand underneath it, receive a bolt of energy and continue ruling over the proletariat. 

Way to go, winner. 

Next question!

“Do you think scorpions think of Lobsters like we think of Mermaids”

No. Lobsters are not capable of complex metaphorical thought. 

I please continue to come to us for more mediocre advice, and more questions than answers.

(1) comment


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