The previous writer of the weekly sex column, Sunny E. LuXor, has graduated, so it is now my privilege to bring you weekly information about sex. I also want to change it up a bit and allow you to send me questions about sex, and I will do my very best to answer. Because this is the first week, I don’t have any questions to answer. I will instead try to help you feel comfortable with your sexual performance.
Have you ever had an orgasm at the same time as your partner? No? Yes, but only once or twice? Don’t worry; it’s normal to not orgasm at the same time as your partner or every time you have sex.
A number of factors can affect how sex goes. Maybe you or your partner are too stressed because of a busy schedule. The brain plays a role during sex, as well as the genitals. It registers the sensations and interprets them for you. If you’re lying there thinking about a homework assignment, you will lose the mood and you might not get it back until you let go and ignore it. You have time to do your homework later. During sex, think about sex. Focus on your body, your partner’s body, the way he or she feels. Change positions if you need to. It can bring you back to thinking about the act, and some positions are better for stimulation, anyway.
If you are a female and you wonder why you don’t orgasm all the time, perhaps it’s because you’re not being properly primed during foreplay. An article on Cosmopolitan.com quoted a sexologist who stated, “Most women need about 20 minutes of arousal time to reach the ‘orgasmic platform.’” Ask your partner if he or she will spend 20 minutes on just you. They’re most likely going to enjoy themselves, as well, if they can have their way with you (with consent, of course!). My boyfriend certainly enjoys getting to tease me.
But always be aware of the other factors like stress, proper lubrication and the position before you get frustrated and place blame. But remember, it’s nobody’s fault if one or both of you can’t orgasm.
Be sensitive to the man in the partnership, as well. Men might be subconsciously worrying about their performance. Tell them when they’re doing something for you. Communication is key during sex. It’s not a silent act where one position always makes something happen. This is real life, not the movies. Everybody is different. You have to experiment and find out what works for you, and it could be different in every relationship you have. Just don’t worry about being perfect the first time or every time. Everyone should be comfortable telling their partner what’s going on for them and you can work out how to help it from there. Don’t get mad at your partner or yourself. Try again.
Some other things that could be affecting your performance are health problems. If you have a cold, if you have an orgasmic disorder or if you take birth control pills or other medicine that affects sexual stimulation, see a doctor or do some research. There are some reliable sources online that can give you a general idea of your problem so you know what to ask your doctor about.
In summary, focus on the act, properly lubricate yourself (or your toys), communicate with your partner, switch it up a bit, take your time and be aware of how your health and medicine affect your body. It’s not going to be perfect every time, but you can take these steps to try and make it so.
If you have any questions regarding sex or dating, please send me a message on tumblr at http://askcandykane.tumblr. com/ask. You don’t need an account to send anything, and your questions will remain anonymous.