Why Chuck Norris Rocks

So, I honestly intended to review the new Shiny Toy Guns' CD "Season of Poison," which came out last week and totally rocks. The plan was to write a top 10 list of asses that the new CD could kick. Somehow I ended up on a Chuck Norris Web site for inspiration, and then it got too epic for me to ignore.

And then. well, I figure that since we are all in a mild state of panic right now trying to get everything done by the end of the semester, I might as well share the best Chuck Norris facts (and they are facts) of all time, courtesy of the Internet. Enjoy, and don't forget to relax.

And know that Chuck is always watching.
Facts:

-There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

-In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

-China was once bordering the United States until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

-If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

-When Chuck Norris had surgery the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

-Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty.

-Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

-Once, a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

-If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f--- down.

-Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

-Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

-Filming on location for "Walker: Texas Ranger," Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.-Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side and Chuck Norris.

-When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon, Egg and Cheese McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35 a.m. he roundhouse-kicked the st
ore so hard it became a KFC.

-Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

-If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

-One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

-Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within three minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

-Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

-Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

-Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

-Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

-They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh-- from anybody.

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

-Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy: it is a Chucktatorship.

-The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .

-Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.